


Triggered

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Back to Earth, Better than life, Dimension Jump, Established Relationship, Give & Take, M/M, Mental Breakdown, OCD, Officer Rimmer, Samsāra, Stoke Me a Clipper, The Beginning, Triggers, Trojan, twentica
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 06:07:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8238739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: Lister ponders on the events in Officer Rimmer and the problem of loving a man who never feels he is "enough".Spoilers for: Officer Rimmer, Give & Take, Samsara and Twentica





	

After Rimmer's breakdowns and self loathing rants about never having made anything of himself became more frequent Lister kept waiting for a full-on meltdown.  
It was a shame, Rimmer had grown so much over the years and Lister had thought things were going well for them. But something had apparently shifted recently, something that prevented Arnold Rimmer from being truly happy.  
  
It had been a gradual slide backwards that had begun after they had ran into a female Despair Squid. Rimmer had, according to himself, been shown how utterly incompetent he was and had become obsessed with being a man worthy of respect and love. The day after their return to reality he had started looking into ways of receiving a promotion. When he realised the old exam systems were still in place he picked up his studies again. With the studies old ticks and habits returned as well: nervousness and anxiety, a short temper and an obsession with rules and regulations.  
Lister often managed to calm down his partner, making him aware he didn't have to put himself through it, but Rimmer just couldn't let it go. He wanted to be someone who counted.  
His years as Ace seemed the biggest trigger. The fact that he'd been unable to bow out gracefully as the space hero was his Achilles-heel. In the end he looked back on his time as the adventurer as just another one of his many failures. He wasn't even good enough to become a better version of himself.

Lister remembered the original Ace's explanation of the difference between him and his Arnold:  
  
_“At the age of seven, one of us was kept back a year, the other wasn't.”_

That had seemed right and logical back then. But thinking about it now Lister found that maybe Ace's solution wasn't as red ribbon wrapped as it had sounded at first.  
Ace's life had changed for the better age SEVEN!! His Arnie was only able to separate from his parents at fourteen: and even then his parents still controlled him. His father became a teacher at his university just to spite him.  
While Ace claimed he had been able to turn it around from then on Rimmer just dwelled in smeg far longer. Where Ace received family approval, Rimmer was still abused year after year, being drilled to be someone he could never be and told that he was less than nothing day after day. While Ace acquired friends whom (literally) looked up to him. Rimmer was violently bullied throughout his time in boarding-school, university and the Space Corp and the only boy Rimmer thought liked him tried to kill him and had thrown him into a septic tank.  
  
Over the years Rimmer developed a long list of issues: internalised homophobia, a fear of getting too close to someone and a general deep-seated lack of trust. He suffered anxiety and panic attacks, an extreme self hatred and OCD. He'd even talked about hearing voices and suffering intrusive thoughts at points in his life. It was amazing the man even functioned. All his brothers had suffered severe mental issues as well and had psychotic breakdowns that resulted in a lot of pain and suffering for themselves as well as those around them.  
  
Lister later learned that Rimmer was like an onion and if you peeled him there were issues beneath the issues: One persons self serving smegger is the other persons self-protection. His partners cowardice and his weaselly self-serving-untrusting-nature were classic forms of self protection. Rimmer had been hurt (both mentally and physically) so much he decided that if no-one was looking after him he'd do it himself just to keep himself from being hurt again. So if there was a chance at something good he took it without question, if there was a way to hide from battle he hid (usually hyperventilating as just the thought of a fight was enough to give him anxiety.) The only trouble was that this attitude was beyond annoying and off putting to everyone around him and usually backfired anyway.  
  
But above and beyond all this was his obsession with becoming an officer or anyone of rank.

When they started getting close Rimmer had often claimed he'd learned and that being an officer no longer mattered. Lister knew better by now: Rimmer would never feel complete without a certificate or medal that told him he counted and deserved respect. His partner had been so conditioned (by his family as well has by himself) into thinking that becoming an officer would somehow “save him” that even just hearing the word triggered something in him. Hearing the word “Officer” could get him lost in a mental cocoon for hours. No-one could reach him there, not even Lister.  
  
Helping Rimmer become Ace was Listers attempt at giving Rimmer the status he so longed for and it still hurt that he had failed. Even though the failure meant he had Rimmer by his side as his partner instead of far away in deep space, he would have loved for him to be truly fulfilled.  
  
Finding out that the father he so hated wasn't his father and saving the crew on the same day changed Rimmer for a while. He felt like he meant something and was part of the team: he decided that this made him “acting Officer” of Red Dwarf and everyone indulged him in this – on Lister's insistence. The first weeks after this were perfect: Rimmer felt like he belonged and had statue amongst the posse. But of course it couldn't last.  
Kryten, but especially The Cat soon got bored of Rimmer describing his heroic plan in detail at-least twice a day and after some time even Lister couldn't bring himself to sit through it again.  
This was very difficult for Rimmer and he started brooding and questioning everything: his life his position on board and who he was. He had loved being the heroic leader of the ship winning the respect of his crew mates and wanted to be a hero all the time. He begun forcing out a take charge side of himself and, being Arnold Rimmer, inevitably messed things up.

Rimmer clung on to his position as acting officer and leader with a death grip: jumping in with decisions and battle plans when no-one asked for or wanted them.  
A few weeks ago he'd almost got himself and Kryten locked down making the decision Lister should stay on earth. While recently Rimmer jumping into action with a bazookoid (using Kryten as a shield) without assessing the situation first had nearly cost Lister his kidneys. Rimmer had been so proud of the idea that he'd saved the man he loved that the idea that he'd got it wrong was alien to him. When he was told that his mistake could kill Lister the Hologram was utterly crushed and responded to this by closing off from everyone. In a desperate urge to talk to someone he turned to the robot they'd saved from the ship where Lister had lost his kidneys – thinking the droid had a psychiatrist programme. Snacky – as the droid turned out to be called – later told Lister that Rimmer had a complete breakdown when talking to him about his childhood and was now trying to “find the hero inside himself.” Lister knew that this could only spell trouble.  
  
Rimmer's failed attempt at rescuing Lister had only made him more intend on trying to better himself. The Hologram started acting more and more strangely, to the point where him trying to keep them save was more dangerous than any monster that tried to kill them.  
Today Rimmer nearly blew up a friendly ship with a small nuclear bomb. He wasn't being malicious, he just wanted to save "his" crew, never thinking about the consequences. To everyones surprise it turned out that his actions had actually saved the other ship instead of destroying it. This was a good thing all round: everyone was safe, no collateral damage.  
Or so they thought.

To Lister's horror the acting captain thought Rimmer was a hero for saving the ship and decided to promote him to officer. OFFICER!!  
Listers heart sank hearing those words and seeing Rimmer change almost immediately in front of his very eyes. He knew Rimmer's triggers only too well and was certain that having earned that title at last would drive his partner to self destruct, despite everything he might have learned over the years. And then he was promoted to admiral.  
  
The Rimmer they had known for years had gone. It was like living with a completely different person. In a sense it was as if Rimmer had turned into the man he'd despised the most: His father (or the man he thought had been his father all his life.)  
  
_“It doesn't mean to say I don't respect him, didn't look up to him. It was only natural -- he was my father.”_  
  
Maybe that's what the obsession had really been about: empowering himself, and getting control of his own life. His parents and brothers had all been of higher statue than he'd been so despite everything he had looked up to them, thinking they were right: he was nothing and deserved what he got. Even Howard who'd turned out to be a bit of a fibber in the ranks department had received a posthumous promotion. The same went for Todhunter, the Captain and all the others he looked up to but hated.

But now Rimmer outranked them all, he was the boss and finally free from the idea of being less than. Seemingly unaware that he was now acting exactly like the people he'd despised, maybe worse.  
  
Hoping he'd see the light Lister tried to indulge him, while at the same time trying to protect him keep him from going too far. This despite the fact that the new “Officer” treated him like smeg. It was because he could read this man better than a book: Rimmer thought that wielding his power would make him more loved and accepted by those around him. Showing who's boss was his needy cry of “please love me, respect me, I am someone”. Instead just he drove everyone up the wall within moments, as usual. “Just let him get it out of his system, it’ll be over soon” he told the others. But even he hadn't expected his partner to go off the rails to such an extend as to print clones of himself to fill his new “Officers Club”. The moment he knew he tried to stop Rimmer from killing himself and taking the others with him in the only to be expected fall out. Naturally Rimmer saw this as an attempt to overthrow him and decided on creating some sort of Rimmer + muscle man to act like bouncers.  
  
The result was as Lister had feared: all Rimmers negative personality traits mashed together multiple times and a giant monstrosity made from self loathing and anger absorbed all the clones and then went for the original. This was where Lister intervened, using his encyclopaedic knowledge of Rimmer's psyche to save him. Saving him also meant forcing him to resign: it was the only way to get their Rimmer back from the brink. It was the sad reality: Rimmer thought having power would save him, but it killed who he was instead.  
  
There had been no words of gratitude after the “thing” had defeated. Lister had tried lightening the mood, joshing: “Oh Arnie, you're so self-absorbed”. Covered in monster goo Rimmer just stared at him blankly and stormed off to the diesel decks where he locked himself in. Lister wasn't looking forward to the weeks of struggle building up Rimmer's self esteem and trust again but he knew he would do it now and forever until he cried blood. No matter how difficult, exhausting and frustrating, he would never give up on Rimmer, because hidden beneath all those layers was the man he loved and wanted to save: a man who yearned to be loved, who could be hilariously funny, and would do anything if someone was kind to him. A man who loved with a deep fierce passion and wanted nothing more than to be accepted by the posse. This was the man he tried to reach for, but somehow he was getting harder and harder to reach. Every “I love you” was now waved off with an “How can you? I'm nothing.” Every day there were hours of “you deserve Ace, not this smegged up failure.” But Lister wanted him back, NOT Ace!!

He had been thinking about it for many years and had reached a crossroads where he begun to wonder: had Ace been all he'd bigged himself up to be back then? Sure he was a hero, but in many ways it was just Rimmer going over the top again to prove a point after finding out he could ignit love and adoration by acting a certain way. He had to be the heroic Ace Rimmer 24/7 and refused to be seen as less than while at the same time acting all modest about it. Pushing through pain and exhaustion so as not to be seen as weak as that would diminish the effect. Take away the mask and he was Arnold.

It had taken decades for Lister to fully see through the façade and realise that beneath all of the “Ace” bravura was an insecure man playing up to a character he felt was better than him.  
The sad thing about realising this was that Lister finally understood that maybe he could never truly save Rimmer.


End file.
